Thursday, January 10, 2013

July 13, 2012 - Off Trail

July 13, 2012.

Day: Off Trail   Daily Miles: 0   Total Miles: 1864   Hours Hiking: 0   

Listen to the audio journal above or Download July 13th Audio File Here

July 13 – Off Trail
Feet up with the view of Diamond Lake on my last day on trail,
July 13th, I'm back in California. I'm driving down to San Francisco. I spent about 13 hours yesterday driving. This is just an update on how I've been feeling and such. I don't know, last night I started thinking about stuff and I mind, just feels numb. Physically my body hurts a bit. I don't have a whole lot of energy. I've been eating more or less without thinking. If there is food available, I just throw it into my mouth unconsciously. I'm like 'why did I just eat half of the bag of chips when I only thought about having a handful or two.." *laughs* Stuff like that. My knees hurt, my right knee especially, but it was actually hurting me on trail, so that no surprise...there's something going on with that. I'm a little hesitant to take big steps even with my own weight, because I know it's going to hurt. Maybe 1 in 50 steps it will hurt, so my body is weary of them. I did 10 push ups the other day, which I was quite surprised that I could still do 10!, but I'm actually sore from doing just 10 push ups. So that's funny. The biggest thing I've noticed is mentally I....I feel just mentally numb. I know I have been suppressing...I haven't been thinking about much of ANYTHING for the last 1.5 months, besides do the miles, get this done. It's been like the one-track mind. I've been listening to audio books and completely not using my mind, how about that. So, it feels numb and thinking about 'my life', what I'm going back to and feels like I've forgotten all the little details, which isn't bad, it kind of feels like this clean slate where I just have the feeling where I'm like ' I should....I can go do anything..I can start anew'. It's kind of a strange feeling, it feels nice, you know all of these little details and things, little nagging things you think about are just gone. So I have this fairly strong urge or feeling to just go in a completely different direction with my life and I don't have a clue where that is...I don't know what I want to do at all, I mean I'm kind of living day to day right now. So like planning stuff...yeah, I don't want to plan anything at the moment. It's umm, it's really strange, I didn't expect this. But, at the same time, when you're set on something for 1.5 months and completely working yourself into the ground and life goes from living in the corner of suburbia preparing...trying to think of every single detail that could possibly go wrong so that you have a smooth hike to all your goal is for the day is to hike 40-some-odd miles, find water and eat food. Yeah, things get cut and life changes from highly complex to very very simple... and I think that's the adjustment I'm trying to make right now. I don't really remember it taking much or being hard last time, but last time I had things to do right away, already planned out - going to the southwest for a week with my girlfriend and another 4 days off then I was flying to New Zealand to help my friend do field work. So within 3 weeks of finishing the trail last time in 2009, I was doing stuff. I had no recovery time. And now that I have recovery time, I've taken this week off, I've got all my panoramas stitched together and just hanging out and doing nothing, it's really strange. This hike was definitely more intestthan my 2009 one, and...umm...I don't know, I just feel numb and dead. *laughs* Like I don't really have feelings towards any one thing. It's kind of like 'ahh whatever, I could do that, I could do this...I don't know what I want to do'..But I don't want to do what I was about that. That's about as much as I know right now. Which doesn't mean that I don't want to go back to just means I just want to try something new and venture off in some other direction, which I've said like 5 times, but in slightly different ways, so I'm going to stop talking about it. It's one of those things that I didn't expect, but feels strange but good that I'm actually feeling it. So that's how it goes.

July 13th again. It...I have, these weird... because I've been so independent and umm... you know basically by myself with no one to really hike with for the last 1.5 months, I have this another strong urge to just go hang out in the desert by myself again, to let myself readjust to stuff. That in itself is unexpected. On trail you do get lonely. I can only assume that I am wretchedly lonely right now, but it just doesn't come to the surface. Every time you see a person {on trail} you stop and talk with them for about 5 minutes. I think it's kind of strange that I'm like 'all I want to do right now is get away...I don't want to go into cities, I don't want to deal with people... I just want to go somewhere and hang out...' The desert, the southwest somewhere, is where I'd want to do it, besides it being bloody hot right now. But in another vein, I kind of feel like what the hell am I doing with my life...jack shit... what's this whole earning money thing and well I just hiked for 1.5 months to try and break a record and you know I'm doing my own thing...but where does that get me, what am I doing it for. I kind of want to like go backpack - just go buy a flight to India and just hang out and see the world or...I don't know...go to Africa and volunteer...*laughs* I think I want to do something that's different. That's definitely... this whole pollen thing, cool. Work..normal job, doing all this crap, living in suburbia... ehhhh it's fine, but I don't think I want that right now. We'll see how it goes. Give me a week or two and things might change when I get back and settled and kind of readjusted a bit more. But that's how I feel right now and it aaaaa, yeah, interesting.
Crater Lake Rim sunset, day 42.